A review of Sakyong Mipham's book, The Lost Art of Good Conversation

I think people are getting rude. I don't notice this so much in conversations where the parties are physically present, though it does occasionally happen, I mostly see it online, particularly Facebook. People are anonymous so they can say angry, hurtful things, or make fun of others. Or, they are speaking to a faceless multitude, so they feel no need to moderate their opinions. I don't know the extent to which I do this. I haven't got much of an online presence; I usually just chat with Amazon reps when something goes wrong with my order. But I've deliberately attempted to switch my chats from I am a displeased customer and you need to fix this  to Something went wrong, and I'd really like your help figuring it out. So one reason I was interested in reading a book called The Lost Art of Good Conversation: A Mindful Way to Connect with Others and Enrich Everyday Life is: I'd love to see and be a part of the return of greater civility.

The second reason I wanted to read The Lost Art of Good Conversation was that during bipolar depressive episodes, it becomes difficult to engage in conversation. The simple acts of carrying on a dialogue, making eye contact, and paying attention are abrasive and overwhelming. Especially if it's a small child, who wants to crawl into my lap and get up in my face. I want my conversations to be more genuine, and come more naturally even during low energy times for me.



Did it work? Yes. I do think the book is helpful. I did pick up a few pointers and a few thoughts to ponder. In a way it was kind of a sticky read though: I couldn't read it for very long at a stretch without feeling like getting up and doing something else, and the language is a little flowery at times.

A lot of this book stresses mindfulness and meditation, focusing on the physical acts of the conversation, even to the point of including a chapter about breathing. There's a lot of advice on how to be mindful, and some warnings about what may happen if we are not:

When neither individual is willing to touch nowness, the conversation lacks dignity. It becomes habituated and superficial. Questions and answers become rote. Intriguing words become ordinary. (p. 41, pp. 2)

The book addresses the way we talk to different people, even going so far as to say that our interactions with the cashiers at the grocery store are important. Another chapter goes into the time and place of the conversation. When Sakyong Mipham suggested that walking while talking can facilitate a conversation, it brought to mind the many conversations I've had with my husband as we go on walks, and how the experiences are a treasure to me.

One thought I particularly enjoyed was about patience. Mipham said, "It is said that patience is the guardian of our good qualities." (p. 184 pp. 2) I love that thought, and it truly makes me want to be a more patient person. I certainly need my good qualities guarded, and I can see the truth in this statement.

This book has made me more aware of how I engage in conversation, and I can see some improvement in my interactions with others. I won't say that I suddenly feel up to the challenge of talking to people during severe depressive episodes, but the interactions I do have are more meaningful.

The book does have it's difficult moments; like a chapter that was advocating talking slowly, but wrapped up by mentioning how rapidly some cultures speak, and saying this was based on mindfulness and awareness. One paragraph that went beyond me was about wisdom:

Wisdom - that which never needs to be expressed - allows for conversation to occur. ...One can see words as expressions of wisdom, and wisdom as the element of the inexpressible in each word. ... Words are like wisdom expressing wisdom to itself. (p. 219, pp. 2)

Although this book could be a dry read at times, I do feel like my time was well spent in improving myself and taking the time to be more intentional about how I interact with others. The book didn't really delve into how we interact through texts and online communications, but there were plenty of thoughts that could be extrapolated. I do recommend this book if you're looking for an "improving book".

I received this book from Blogging for Books in exchange for my review. This is my honest opinion about the book. 

More info:

About the book: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/550804/the-lost-art-of-good-conversation-by-sakyong-mipham/

About the author: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/authors/68526/sakyong-mipham/